this is cheating

i wrote this for two amazing people over a month ago, but it's stuff that's been on my mind and i thought it'd probably be better to post up here so as to keep it with all of my thoughts. so really just thanks r & s for being my inspiration : )

God is the ultimate force behind all existence. I feel like living a life for God..for Goodness..for Truth..will bring fulfillment and happiness in life. I can't imagine afterlife. My conception of myself is reliant on my body..my physical existence. It would be nice if there were some explanation for how a soul could transcend its body and instantiate itself free of neural organization. I don't see how I would be the same individual in death as I am in life. I am my brain and body so i feel like I will be no more once my brain and body are no longer functioning. Maybe there is some sort of bliss in death that comes as a reward for living a fulfilling life. Maybe somehow our individuality perpetuates in death and we still have memories from life on earth. I just don't know enough. I feel God does have a goal though. In my opinion, God is purposeful existence. What is the purpose? I guess that is yet unknown.. I feel that God is guiding the collective knowledge of man to a point of complete understanding of Nature. Every physical interaction has a purpose and plays a role in shaping humanity and the future of the natural universe. I feel like the only way that we can really think of our identities being eternalized is by leaving a substantial footprint on the progress of humanity and society. As long as there is an existing conception of your identity in some mind, you exist in some shape or form even if you die. the essential youness won't exist (at least like physically) without your brain and body, but like Jesus and Socrates, if you have a significant impact on humanity, your life will not be forgotten and the concept of you will live on. This is kind of depressing though because so many people have significant impacts on the immediate lives of many, but their memory doesn't survive through multiple generations. I want to believe that there is a heaven, but I can't imagine the reality of it other than just pure bliss free of all worldly cares. I look to God for guidance almost daily. I respect the fact that I am a part of God's existence and that he is the causal force behind all interaction. i hope that by following signs and instincts, i will be led down the path that God finds best suited. Love is key and I am not stingy with sharing mine. I think that reciprocal emotion and communication through emotional expression are both major factors in establishing true comfortable relationships in which both parties understand each others' perspective. that's why holding back emotions when with friends or family is counterproductive. If you want to have a comfortable understanding relationship with someone you've obviously got to open up. I like to call this sharing my God-love. It's like the emotional connection between people..or more that people have with one another and with other physical objects.

So basically that's where i'm at. I don't go to church or read the bible. I have one good friend - my suitemate from first semester last year who got arrested for multiple drug felonies last winter - who has found God and had an experience that he can't put into words. He is now clean as a whistle and living his life for God. He's invited me to Gospel and bible study a few times, but I'm just so busy that I can't make it. I went once just to support him as he told his story of finding God and turning his life around. It's apparent that God is making moves in the lives of those I love and if I really consider my life, I'd say that he is speaking to me through myself and my experiences as well.